1. 最簡單又最搞笑的英語笑話
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.*(見注) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right 。
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.。
2. 簡單 短的 幽默的英語笑話
Let me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ." "Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know." 為我所用 一頭大象對一只小老鼠說:“你無疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西。” “請再說一遍,讓我把它記下來。”老鼠說。“我要講給我認識的一只跳蚤聽。 Too Fast or Too Slow A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him. "Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked. "NO,"the policeman answered,"You were flying too slow." 太慢或太快 一個男人正在以130英里每小時的速度行駛,當一個警察看見他時, 他問:“我開的太快了嗎?警官。” “不”,警察說,“你飛的太慢了。” Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給你的錢干什么了?” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆,”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子,”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?” “她是個賣糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告訴 (2) nest n.窩;巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓勵 (5) resemble v. 相似;類似 18.鳥窩與頭發 我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。 “是什么鳥呢?”我姐姐問她。 “我沒看到鳥兒,老師,只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。 “那么,你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎?”我姐姐鼓勵她道。 “哦,老師,就像你的頭發一樣。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we po
3. 誰有又短又簡單又好笑的英語笑話
1、Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush? 冰山和衣刷之間有什么區別?A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats! 一個 撞 船 一個 刷 大衣!(單詞的拼寫造成的JOKE)2、white man:are you Black? black man:no,i'm WhiteHe Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他贏了 湯姆:約翰尼,你小弟弟好嗎? 約翰尼:他害病臥床了。
他受了傷。 湯姆:真糟糕,怎么回事兒? 約翰尼:我們做游戲,看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠,他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問,“發生了什么事?” “一個男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎?”媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認出他,”伊凡說。
“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了?” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆,”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子,”媽媽驕傲地說。
“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?” “她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天,父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡,老是有提不完的問題。
他向父親發問道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父親回答說,“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個,那么我就算醉了。”
“可是,爸爸, ”孩子說,“那兒只有一個警察呀!” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時,家里沒有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。
過了一會兒,他拿著一片奶酪回到房間,把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。
你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夾上,先生。”那小男孩說。
4. 非常幽默的英語小笑話(不超過150個單詞)
He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他贏了 湯姆:約翰尼,你小弟弟好嗎? 約翰尼:他害病臥床了。
他受了傷。 湯姆:真糟糕,怎么回事兒? 約翰尼:我們做游戲,看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠,他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問,“發生了什么事?” “一個男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡說。
“再見到他你能認出來嗎?”媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認出他,”伊凡說。
“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了?” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆,”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子,”媽媽驕傲地說。
“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?” “她是個賣糖果的。”
英語小笑話 上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的 一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了 Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天,父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡,老是有提不完的問題。
他向父親發問道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父親回答說,“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個,那么我就算醉了。”
“可是,爸爸, ”孩子說,“那兒只有一個警察呀!”。
5. 求幾個英文小笑話(要搞笑的哦,簡短的,不用多)
New Discovery A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!" 新發現 一個鄉下人第一次到大城市游逛。
他走進一座大樓,看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨后關上,有幾個燈在閃亮。
一會兒,門開了,電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 鄉下人驚奇地眨著眼睛,慢吞吞地說:“我應該把我的老婆帶來!”Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it that a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself." 己做好準備 校園里流傳著這樣的故事:一個學生一次給父母拍了一份電報,上面寫著:“媽媽-我所有功課都不及格,被學校開除。
讓爸爸做好準備。” 兩天以后,他收到了回電:“爸爸已準備好。
你自己做好準備吧!” Part-time Job When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" 業余工作我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時,在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。
“第一天感覺如何?”我問。 |“好極了,爸爸。”
他答道,“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。” 由于斯蒂芬不善言談,我問道:“你跟他們說了些什么?” “你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝?Difference "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down." 區 別“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來,”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。
“我說‘下午好’,本科生們回答說‘下午好’。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。”
keep the changeOne sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.不用找了有一天天氣悶熱,我將冰淇淋舀進錐筒,告訴我的四個小孩,他們可以從我這里用擁抱“購買”一筒。于是,孩子們馬上排起了隊來購買。
較小的三個孩子每人很快的抱了我一下,抓過冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后輪到排在隊尾十年的大兒子來“買”冰淇淋時,他擁抱了我二下。
“不用找了,”他笑著說。Bedtime Prayers Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy." Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!" 睡前禱告詞 朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。
“上帝,求求你,”她說,“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。” 媽媽打斷她的話說:“朱莉葉,為什么求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢?” 朱莉葉回答道:“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”
That's Why Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money." Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty. "That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!" One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?" "Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high." 原來如此 吉米三歲開始畫畫,五歲時已經畫得很好了。他畫了很多美麗而有趣的畫,人們出高價購買。
他們說,“這個孩子。