華閱文章網巴金最后一篇抒情散文
《懷念曹禺》
一
家寶逝世后，我給李玉茹、萬方發了個電報：“請不要悲痛，家寶并沒有去，他永遠活在觀眾和讀者的心中！”話很平常，不能表達我的痛苦，我想多說一點，可顫抖的手捏不住小小的筆，許許多多的話和著眼淚咽進了肚里。
躺在病床上，我經常想起家寶，往事歷歷在目。
北平三座門大街14號南屋，故事從這里開始。
靳以把家寶的一部稿子交給我看，那時家寶還是清華大學的一名學生。
在南屋客廳旁那間用藍紙糊壁的陰暗小屋里，我一口氣讀完了數百頁的原稿。
一幕人生的大悲劇在我面前展開，我被深深地震動了！就像從前看托爾斯泰的小說《復活》一樣，劇本抓住了我的靈魂，我為它落了淚。
我曾這樣描述過我當時的心情：“不錯，我流過淚，但是落淚之后我感到一陣舒暢，而且我還感到一種渴望，一種力量在身內產生了，我想做一件事情，一件幫助人的事情，我想找個機會不自私地獻出我的精力。
《雷雨》是這樣感動我。”不多久，《文學季刊》破例一期全文刊載了《雷雨》，引起廣大讀者的注意！
1940年，我從上海到昆明，知道家寶已經遷至江安，我去看他。
我在江安待了6天，住在家寶家的小樓里。
我們隔了一張寫字臺對面坐著，談了許多事情，交出了彼此的心。
那時他處在創作旺盛時期，接連寫出了《蛻變》、《北京人》，我們談起正在上海上演的《家》（由吳天改編、上海劇藝社演出），他表示他也想改編。
我鼓勵他試一試。
他有他的《家》，他有他個人的情感，他完全可以寫一部他的《家》。
1942年，在泊在重慶附近的一條江輪上，家寶開始寫他的《家》。
整整一個夏天，他寫出了他所有的愛和痛苦。
那些充滿激情的優美臺詞，是從他心底深處流淌出來的，那里面有他的愛，有他的恨，有他的眼淚，有他的靈魂的呼號。
他為自己的真實感情奮斗。
我在桂林讀完他的手稿，不能不贊嘆他的才華，他是一位真正的藝術家！我當時就想寫封信給他，希望他把心靈中的寶貝都掏出來，可這封信一拖就是很多年，直到1978年，我才把我心里想說的話告訴他。
但這時他已經滿身創傷，我也傷痕遍體了。
二
1966年，我和他都進了“牛棚”。
等到我們再見面，已是12年后了。
我失去了蕭珊，他失去了方瑞，兩個多么善良的人！
在難熬的痛苦長夜，我也想念過家寶，不知他怎么挨過這段艱難的日子，我很為他擔心。
可我們終于還是挺過來了，相見時沒有大悲大喜，幾句簡簡單單的話便說盡了千言萬語。
我們都想向前看，甚至來不及撫平身上的傷痕，就急著要把失去的時間追回來。
我有不少東西準備寫，他也有許多創作計劃。
我至今懷念那些日子：我們兩人一起游豫園，走累了便在湖心亭喝茶，到老飯店吃“糟缽頭”，隨心所欲地閑聊。
那時我們頭上還沒有太多頭銜，身邊也少有干擾，腳步似乎還算輕松，我們總以為我們還能做許多事情，那感覺就好像是又回到了30年代北平三座門大街。
但是，我們畢竟老了。
被損壞的機體不可能再回復到原貌。
眼看著精力一點一點從我們身上消失，病魔又纏住了我們，筆在我們手里一天天重起來，那些美好的計劃越來越遙遠，最終成了不可觸摸的夢。
我住進了醫院，不久，家寶也離不開醫院了。
起初我們還有機會住在同一家醫院，每天一起在走廊上散步，在病房里傾談往事。
我說話有氣無力，他耳朵更加聾了，我用力大聲說，他還是聽不明白，結果常常是各說各的。
但就是這樣，我們仍然了解彼此的心。
我的身體越來越差，他的病情也加重了。
我去不了北京，他無法來上海，見面成了奢望，我們只能靠通信互相問好。
1993年，一些熱心的朋友想創造條件讓我們在杭州會面，我期待著這次聚會，結果因醫生不同意，家寶沒能成行。
這年的中秋之夜，我在杭州和他通了電話，我清清楚楚地聽到他的聲音，還是那么響亮，中氣十足。
我說：“我們共有一個月亮。”他說：“我們共吃一個月餅。”這是我最后一次聽到他的聲音。
三
我和家寶都在與疾病斗爭。
我相信我們還有時間。
家寶小我6歲，他會活得比我長久。
我太自信了。
我心里的一些話，本來都可以講出來，他不能到杭州，我可以爭取去北京，可以和他見一面，和他話別。
消息來得太突然。
一屋子嚴肅的面容，讓我透不過氣。
我無法思索，無法開口，大家說了很多安慰的話，可我腦子里卻是一片空白。
我不能接受這個事實，前些天北京來的友人還告訴我，家寶健康有好轉。
僅僅只過了幾天！李玉茹在電話里說，家寶走得很安詳，是在睡夢中平靜地離去的。
那么他是真的走了。
許多年前，家寶在給我的一封信中，寫了這樣的話：“我要死在你的前面，讓痛苦留給你……”我想，他把痛苦留給了他的朋友，留給了所有愛他的人，帶走了他心靈中的寶貝，他真能走得那樣安詳嗎？
"Fondly remembers Cao Yu " one after family treasure death, I gave Li Yuru, Wan Fang to send a telegram: “please do not be sorrowful, the family treasure has not gone, he forever lives in the audience and in reader's heart!”The words are very ordinary, cannot express my pain, I want to say a spot, may shiver the hand cannot press firmly between the fingers the small pen, many words and the tear was swallowing in the stomach. lies down on the hospital bed, I remember the family treasure frequently, the past events come clearly into view. the Peking three gate avenue 14th room with a northern exposure, the story starts from here. Jin Yi gives a family treasure draft I to look, at that time family treasure or a Tsinghua University's student. That between sticks in wall's gloomy hut nearby the room with a northern exposure living room with the blue paper, my one breath has read off several hundred pages of original manuscripts. A life's big tragedy launches in front of me, I by deep seismic motion! Looked like formerly looked that Tolstoi's novel "Reactivating" was the same, the script has held my soul, I fell the tear for it. I once like this had described my mood then: “good, I have burst into tears, but after crying, I feel a happiness, moreover I also felt that one kind of hope, one strength has produced in the body, I want to handle a matter, helps person's matter, I want to look for an opportunity to give my energy not selfishly. "Thunderstorm" is moves me like this.”Soon, "Literature Quarterly publication" made an exception an issue of full text to print "Thunderstorm", brought to reading public's attention!
in 1940, I from Shanghai to Kunming, knew that the family treasure already moved to Jiangan, I look at him. I have treated for 6 days in Jiangan, lives in family treasure young Lou. We separated a writing desk opposite to sit, discussed many matters, have handed over each other's heart. He occupied the creation exuberant time at that time, has written "Transformation" one after another, "Person from Beijing", we mention Shanghai to perform "Family" (reorganize, Shanghai play skill society performance by Wu Tian), he expressed that he also wants to reorganize. I encourage him to try. He has him "Family", he has his emotion, he definitely may write him "Family". in 1942, in anchored on a Chongqing's river steamer, the family treasure started to write him "Family". Entire one summer, he has written his all loves with the pain. These enthusiastic exquisite lines, are come out from his moral nature deep place flow, inside that has his love, has his hate, has his tear, has his soul call letter. He for own real sentimental struggle. I read off his draft manuscript in Guilin, has no alternative but to acclaim his talent, he is a genuine artist! I at that time wanted to write a letter for him, hoped that he pulls out the mind in treasure, as soon as but this letter tows is many years, until 1978, I only then at heart wanted to say me the words told him. But by now he already whole body wound, my also scar all over the body.
二
in 1966, I and he have entered “the cowshed”. When we meet again, already is 12 years later. I have lost Xiao Shan, he has lost side Switzerland, two how good people! in the unendurable painful endless night, I has also thought of the family treasure, did not know how he does endure this difficult days, I worried very much for him. But we finally very have come, meets when the greatly sad great happiness, several simple words then have not spoken the countless words. We want to look forward, even caresses the scar which without enough time straightens up after bowing or performing the kowtow, anxiously must the time which loses pursue. I have many things to prepare to write, he also has many creation plans. I fondly remember until now these days: Our You Yuyuan, walked until tired together has then drunk tea in the mid-lake pavilion, ate “the bad earthenware bowl” to the old hotel, had one's wish chats. On our did not have too many titles, the side also unusually to disturb at that time, the footsteps as if also calculate with ease, we always thought that we can also handle many matters, that feeling probably returned to the 30s Peking three gate avenues.
But, we were old. Organism which damages is been impossible to reply the original condition again. Was seeing the energy bit by bit vanishes from our body, illness has tied down us, the pen is day-by-day heavy in our hand, these happy plans are getting more and more remote, has become the dream which finally cannot be touched. I have been admitted to the hospital, soon, the family treasure could also not leave the hospital. At first we also have the opportunity to live in the identical hospital, every day takes a walk together on the corridor, in hospital ward having a heart-to-heart talk past events. I speak worn out, his ear deafer, I made an effort to say loudly, he did not understand what is heard, the result was frequently says respectively each. But is this, we still understood each other's heart.
My body is getting more and more bad, his condition also aggravated. I could not go to Beijing, he was unable Shanghai, met the wild hope, we only could depend on the correspondence to give regards mutually. in 1993, some warm-hearted friends wanted to create the condition to let us meet with in Hangzhou, I was anticipating this meeting, because finally doctor did not agree, the family treasure has not been able to form a line. This year's night of Mid-Autumn Festival, I and he telephoned in Hangzhou, I hear his sound clearly, is that resounding, is mad fully. I said: “we altogether have a moon.”He said: “we altogether eat a moon cake.”This is I last time hears his sound.
三
I and the family treasure am struggling with disease. I believed that we also have the time. The family treasure empirical ego 6 years old, he will live is long-time than me. I was too self-confident. My some words at heart, may say originally, he cannot arrive at Hangzhou, I may strive for Beijing, one side may see with him, bids goodbye with him.
The news comes too suddenly. Room serious facial features, let me not be able to ventilate. I am unable to think deeply about, am unable the aperture, everybody spoke many comfort words, but in my brain is actually a blank. I cannot accept this fact, in the past few days Beijing came the friend also told me, the family treasure health had the change for the better. Only crossed merely for several days! Li Yuru said in the telephone that the family treasure walks very much serenely, is departs tranquilly in the sleep. Then he is really walked. many years ago, the family treasure in gives in my letter, has written such words: “I must die in yours front, lets the pain leave you ......” I to think, he has left the pain his friend, left all has loved him the person, has carried off in his mind treasure, he could walk such really serenely?
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