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First Flight
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."
第一次坐飛機
約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關于飛行事故的報道。
所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。
不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機。
他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。
約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。
過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”
“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。”
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
釘子還是蒼蠅？
一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。
他雙手各拿一瓶酒。
在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。
他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。
一個女服務員發現發生的事情以后，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這里，老人回到了房里。
倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。
他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。
聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。
讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
熱與冷
蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。
“這太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表‘熱’。
如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點。”
“等等，”那位顧客咆哮一聲，“另外一個龍頭同樣標的是C。”
“當然，”經理說道：“它代表冷。
畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。”
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.
"Imitate birds," the man said.
"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."
"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
模仿鳥兒
一個人想在一個舞臺劇中找份工作。
“你能干什么呢？”負責人問。
“模仿鳥兒，”那人說。
“你在開玩笑吧？”負責人答道，“那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打。”
“噢，那就算了。
”那名演員說著，展開翅膀，飛出了窗口。
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎樣來的？
一個冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才起來上班。
“外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向后退兩步。”
老板狐疑地看著他。
“噢，是嗎？那你是怎樣到這里來的？”
“后來我決定放棄，”他說，“然后我就往家里走。”
Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
零錢不用找了
在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。
他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。
其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。
我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。
他說這是個原則問題。
最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。
他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。
“零錢不用找了。
”他說。
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。
旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”
中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."
最好的獎賞
一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。
他被一名甲板水手救起。
這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他。
“最好的辦法，長官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。
如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。”
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
搞錯了
一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。
他們到達天堂的門口。
在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯了。
“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發生過一樣。”
“成交!”美國人說。
立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。
“其他人在哪兒？”一名醫生問道。
“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。”
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
模 仿
一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。
“來，坐下，吃點點心，”媽媽說，“你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。
吃點東西就會好的。”
一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。
“你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，”他那聰明的兒子說，“里面裝點東西，就會好的。”
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前禱告詞
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。
“上帝，求求你，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。”
媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什么求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉葉回答道：“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
勢均力敵
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。
她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。
在那兒，她買了一只老鼠夾。
店主告訴她：“放點奶酪在里面，很快你就會逮住那只老鼠的。”
這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。
她不想再回到商店里去，因為已經很晚了。
于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進了夾子。
令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".
班和笨驢
格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不見他的班級。”
一個學生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驢)。
