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The Positive Meanings of Love
We'd like to share some of the positive meanings love has for us.
Love means that I know the person I love. I'm aware of the many sides of the other person — not just the beautiful side but also the limitations, inconsistencies and faults. I have an awareness of the other's feelings and thoughts, and I experience something of the core of that person. I can penetrate social masks and roles and see the other person on a deeper level.
Love means that I care about the welfare of the person I love. To the extent that it is genuine, my caring is not possessive, nor does it hold the other person back. On the contrary, my caring frees both of us. If I care about you, I'm concerned about your growth, and I hope you will become all that you can become. Consequently, I don't put up obstacles to what you do that enhances you as a person, even though it may result in my discomfort at times.
Love means having respect for the dignity of the person I love. If I love you, I can see you as a separate person, with your own values and thoughts and feelings, and I do not insist that you surrender your identity to match an image of what I expect you to be for me. I can allow and encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are, and I avoid treating you as an object or using you primarily to satisfy my own needs.
Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love. If I love you, I respond to most of your major needs as a person. This responsibility does not include my doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself; nor does it mean that I run your life for you. It does mean acknowledging that what I am and what I do affects you, so that I am directly involved in your happiness and your suffering. A lover does have the capacity to hurt or ignore the loved one, and in this sense we see that love involves an acceptance of some responsibility for the impact my way of being has on you.
Love means making a commitment to the person I love. This commitment does not mean surrendering our total selves to each other; nor does it imply that the relationship is necessarily permanent. It does involve a willingness to stay with each other in times of pain, struggle, and despair, as well as in times of calm and enjoyment.
Love means trusting the person I love. If I love you, I trust that you will accept my caring and my love and that you won't deliberately hurt me. I trust that you will find me attractive, and that you won't abandon me; I trust the mutual nature of our love. If we trust each other, we are willing to be open to each other and reveal our true selves.
Love can tolerate imperfection. In a love relationship there are times when I am bored, times when I may feel like giving up, times of real strain, and times I feel I can't move forward. Authentic love does not imply enduring happiness. I can stay during rough times, however, because I can remember what we had together in the past, and I can picture what we will have together in our future if we care enough to face our problems and work them through. We agree with the idea that love is a spirit that changes life. Love is a way of life that is creative and that transforms. However, love is not reserved for a perfect world. Love is meant for our imperfect world where things go wrong. Love is meant to be a spirit that works in painful situations. Love is meant to bring meaning into life where nonsense appears to rule. In other words, love comes into an imperfect world to make it possible to live.
Love is open. If I love you, I encourage you to reach out and develop other relationships. Although our love for each other and our commitment to each other might prohibit certain actions on our parts, we are not totally and exclusively married to each other. It is a false love that cements one person to another in such a way that he or she is not given room to grow.
Love is selfish. I can only love you if I genuinely love, value, appreciate, and respect myself. If I am empty, then all I can give you is my emptiness. If I feel that I'm complete and worthwhile in myself, then I'm able to give to you out of my fullness. One of the best ways for me to give you love is by fully enjoying myself with you.
Love involves seeing the potential within the person we love. In my love for another, I view her or him as the person she or he can become, while still accepting who and what the person is now. By taking people as they are, we make them worse, but by treating them as if they already were what they ought to be, we help make them better.
To sum it up, mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's individuality. In love, two beings become one and yet remain two.
愛的真諦
我們想把我們對愛情的一些積極看法跟大家分享。
愛就意味著了解所愛的人。
能夠認識到這個人多個方面——不僅僅是美好的一面，還有他的局限，他的矛盾之處和他的缺點。
要看到對方的情感、思想，感覺他的內心，要能夠透過他在社交場合的表現和他的社會角色而看到他內心的深處。
愛就意味著關心所愛之人的幸福。
事實上，愛不是占有，也不是束縛。
相反，兩人都在愛中得到自由。
關心一個人就是關心他的成長，希望他可以成為最好的他。
因此，我不會為他的個人發展設置障礙，即使這樣有時使我難受。
愛就意味著尊重所愛之人。
愛一個人，就是將其卸任一個獨立的人，有自己的價值觀、思想和感情。
我不會為自己而堅持要他放棄個性變成我所希望的他。
我能允許，也鼓勵他我行我素，成為他自己。
我不會視他為物，或利用他主要來滿足自己的需要。
愛就意味著對所愛之人負責。
愛一個人，就要對他作為獨立個體的需求做出回應。
這種負責并不包括替他做他可以自己做到的事，也不是操縱他的生活。
這種負責是承認我的所作所為會影響到他，他的歡樂痛苦都與我直接相關。
相愛者確有傷害或忽略所愛的人的能力。
從這個意義上說，我們認為，愛就要為自己的行為對對方產生的影響承擔某種責任。
愛就意味著對所愛之人做出承諾。
這種承諾并非意味著把自己完全交給對方，也并不是說這一關系必然是天長地久，這種承諾否認在平靜愉快時，還是困苦掙扎、失意絕望時，都愿意廝守相伴。
愛就意味著信賴所愛之人。
愛一個人，就要相信他會接受我的關心，接受我的愛，相信他不會故意傷害我；相信他會認為平靜愉快有吸引力，相信他不會拋棄我；相信愛是相互的。
如果我們彼此信賴，我們就愿彼此坦誠相待，敞開心扉。
愛能夠容忍不完美。
愛人之間也會有時感到厭倦，有時想放棄，有時感到壓力，有時感到無法前進。
真正的愛并不意味著永遠的幸福。
但是，在困難時期我能堅守，因為我仍記得我們共同度過的日子，我也能想象如果我們愿意面對我們之間的問題、渡過難關、我們將共同擁有什么樣的未來。
我們一致認為愛是一種能改變人生的精神。
愛是一種生活方式，它具有創造和改變的力量。
但是愛并不是為完善世界而存在的，愛本來就是我們這個不完美、有缺陷的世界而存在的。
愛應該是一種能緩解痛苦的精神力量。
愛應該給我們這無聊的生活帶來意義。
換言之，是愛使我們能夠在這不完美的世界上生活下去。
愛是包容的。
愛一個人，就要鼓勵他與他人建立聯系。
盡管對彼此的愛與承諾不允許我們有某些行為，這種結合也不是全然排他的。
兩個人密不可分，再無個人發展的余地，這樣的愛是不真實、不明智的。
愛又是自私的。
只有真正自愛自重、自賞自尊，才能接受別人。
如果自己空虛，那么我能給所愛之人的也只是空虛。
如果認為自己是充實的、出色的，那么我就能以自己的充實為所愛之人增光，給對方以愛的最好方法之一就是與所愛之人一起充分體驗自己。
愛就要看到所愛之人身上的內在潛力。
愛一個人，在接受今日的他的同時，還要了看作明天他會成為的人。
視人靜止不變，則令其退步，而視其進步發展、如同他的潛力已經發揮，則助其進步。
總而言之，成熟的愛就是在保持個體獨立條件下的雙方結合。
在愛情中，兩個人變成了一個人同時還保持著兩個獨立的個體。
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