華閱文章網1.英語小笑話
Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。
“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個賣糖果的。”
Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom."What kind of bird?" my sister asked."I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child."Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her ."Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes:(1) inform v.告訴（2） nest n.窩；巢（3） description n.描述（4） encourage v.鼓勵（5） resemble v. 相似；類似18.鳥窩與頭發 我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”
那孩子回答說。“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes:(1) poisonous adj.有毒的（2） Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。
句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。我剛咬破自己的舌頭 “我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？” “因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet？" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。
接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。
我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？” 英語笑話（一） Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。
但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?A: By treading on his corn？如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。
Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因為snail（蝸牛）的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。
你說呢？Q: What do people do in a clock factory?A: They make faces all day.一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?A: Keep him awake.怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。
雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。英語笑話（二） He is really somebody-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.-- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.他真是一個大人物-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什么的？-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of * last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它們是從美國直接帶來的 一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。
2.【寫4個英語的諧音小笑話,比如按banana（不拿了）之類的但要
1 too和two 有一天小明不小心走路撞到一個外國人，他不好意思的說：「I am sorry.」 「I am sorry,too.」外國人回答. 「I am sorry three.」小明馬上回道. 「What are you sorry for？」外國人問. 「I am sorry five…」小明說. 2 關于模糊音 .一家陜西人在紐約唐人街開了家餐館，兒子當服務生，老媽管收錢，老爸做大廚. 某一天，店里來了個老外，點了個套餐，吃到一半， " 咣當 " ，把湯碗打了. 兒子跑過去看了一下，說： " 碗打了！ " 老外想： " one dollar，。
。" 老媽聽見聲音，也過來看，見地上有個破碗，問： " 誰打的？ " 老外想： " three dollar？。
。" 兒子說： " 他打的！ " 老外想： " ten dollar？！ 。
。" 老媽又說： " 還得打一碗！ " 老外想： " hundred and one？！？！ 。
。" 老爸正在廚房切菜，聽見外面的聲音，趕忙跑出來看怎么回事.忙亂中，忘了把菜刀放下. 五大三粗的老爸，手持菜刀站在餐廳里，老外一看，心跳加速，血壓急升，但更讓他心碎加崩潰的是老爸的一番話. 老爸對著正在加熱爐上舀湯的兒子說： " 燙，少盛點兒！ " 老外： " ten thousand?! 3 關于名字的諧音 SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice. （場景） 橢圓形辦公室， 喬治布什 和國家安全顧問康多里扎賴斯 George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening？ 布什： 康迪（賴斯）！ 很高興見到你，發生什么事情了？ Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China. 賴斯：長官，我來向你匯報中國的新領導人 George: Great. Let's hear it. 布什： 好極了，我們一起來聽聽！ Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 賴斯：胡（誰）是中國的新領導人 George: That's what I want to know. 布什：這就是我要知道的 Condi: That's what I'm telling you. 賴斯：這就是我要告訴你的 George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China？ 布什：這就是我要問你的，誰（胡）是中國的新領導人？ Condi: Yes. 賴斯：是的 George: I mean the fellow's name. 布什：我是說那個人的名字 Condi: Hu. 賴斯：胡（誰） George: The guy in China. 布什： 那個在中國的人 Condi: Hu. 賴斯：胡（誰） George: The new leader of China. 布什：中國的新領導人！ Condi: Hu. 賴斯：胡（誰） George: The Chinese！ 布什：那個中國人！ Condi: Hu is leading China. 賴斯：胡（誰）領導中國 George: Now whaddya' asking me for？ 布什：啊？現在是你問我了？ Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. 賴斯： 我在告訴你， 胡（誰）在領導中國 George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China？ 布什：我在問你，誰（胡）在領導中國？ Condi: That's the man's name. 賴斯：就是那人的名字 George: That's whose name？ 布什：就是誰（胡）的名字？ Condi: Yes. 賴斯：是的 George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China？ 布什：你到底愿不愿意告訴我誰（胡）是中國的領導人？ Condi: Yes sir. 賴斯：是的，長官（亞瑟爾） George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. 布什：亞瑟爾？你是說阿拉法特在中國？我以為他在中東呢 Condi: That's correct. 賴斯：沒錯 George: Then who is in China？ 布什：那么誰（胡）在中國？ Condi: Yes, sir. 賴斯：是的長官（亞瑟爾） George: Yassir is in China？ 布什：亞瑟爾在中國？ Condi: No, sir. 賴斯：不，長官 George: Then who is？ 布什：那么誰（胡）在？ Condi: Yes, sir. 賴斯：是的長官（亞瑟爾） George: Yassir？ 布什：亞瑟爾？ Condi: No, sir 賴斯：不，長官. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get m e the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows. 布什：聽著，賴斯.我要知道中國新領導人的名字，給我接聯合國秘書長.我 覺得他會知道 Condi: Kofi？ 賴斯：科費（咖啡）？ George: No, thanks. 布什：不，謝謝 Condi: You want Kofi？ 賴斯：你要科費（咖啡）？ George: No. 布什：不！ Condi: You don't want Kofi. 賴斯：那么你不要科費（咖啡） George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. 布什：不，但是既然你提到它，我要杯牛奶就可以了，然后給我接聯合國 Condi: Yes, sir. 賴斯：是的長官（亞瑟爾） George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. 布什：不是亞瑟爾！是聯合國的頭！ Condi: Kofi？ 賴斯：科費（咖啡）？ George: No, milk! Will you please make the call？ 布什：不，牛奶！你給我接通電話好不？ Condi: Call who？ 賴斯：給誰打？ George: Who is the guy at the U.N？ 布什：誰（胡）是聯合國的頭？ Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 賴斯：胡（誰）是中國的頭 George: Will you stay out of China？！ 布什：你能不能不提中國了？！ Condi: Yes, sir. 賴斯：是的長官（亞瑟爾） George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N！ 布什：也別提中東了！給我接通聯合國的頭就好了！ Condi: Kofi？ 賴斯：科費（咖啡）？ George: All right! Light 。
3.英語簡短小笑話,帶翻譯
I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我沒有睡著 當一群婦女上車之后，車上的座位全都被占滿了。
售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：“先生，醒醒！” “我沒有睡著。”那個男人回答。
“沒睡著？可是你眼睛都閉上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。” The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可憐的丈夫 “你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難，”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然后自己回答了，過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的。”
Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 父親在哪兒？ 兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。 “看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。
那爸爸去哪兒了呢？” 哥哥想了會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。” Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too？" 狗也知道這個諺語嗎？ 一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。
“沒有關系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？” 一 Can we have our teacher back? Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back？" 能讓我們的老師回去嗎？ 有一次，一位督學去視察一個只有三間教室的學校。
一間教室非常吵鬧，因此督學抓住其中一個正在站著說話的人，把他帶進另一間教室，并讓他站在墻角。五分鐘以后，一個小男孩從第一間教室走進來，問道，“您什么時候能讓我們的老師回去呢？” 二 Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down. 誰更有禮貌？ 一個胖子和一個瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。
瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為他更有風度，因為無論什么時候他在車上給別人讓座時，總有兩位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth. Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction. Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office. 昂貴的代價 牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。 母親：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀？ 牙科醫生：是的。
但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了 （望采納）。
4.英語小笑話帶翻譯,簡短一點
一）
迪尼斯之旅（中英）
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted us wholeheartedly to the attraction. After three exhausting days,we headed for home.
佛羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅游，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。筋疲力盡地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。
As we drove away, our son waved and said : "good bye,Mickey.”
當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮著手說道：“再見，米奇！”
Our daughter waved and said, "goodbye, Minnie.”
女兒揮著手說道：“再見，美妮。”
My husband waved, rather weakly,and said : "goodbye , money.”
丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”
（二）
生財有道（中英）
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”
母親決定盡可能地減少家務開支，于是她自己洗衣服，而不把衣服送到干洗店去干洗了。母親很得意自己的節約之道，對父親自夸道：“弗雷德，你想想，我們又增加了五塊錢的積累，因為我自己動手洗的這些衣服。”
"Good,”my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!”
“好啊！”我父親立即答道：“那就再洗一遍。”
5.簡單的英語小笑話（帶翻譯）
1、Boy：?Is?this?seat?empty？?Girl：?Yes?and?this?one?will?be?if?you?sit?down.?男孩：這個座位是空的么？?女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
??2、Boy：?Can?I?buy?you?a?drink？?Girl：?Actually?I'd?rather?have?the?money.?男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？?女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。?3、My?little?dog?can't?read?Mrs.?Brown：?Oh，?my?dear，?I?have?lost?my?precious?little?dog！?Mrs.?Smith：?But?you?must?put?an?advertisement?in?the?papers！??Mrs.?Brown：?It's?no?use，?my?little?dog?can't?read.? 我的狗不識字。
布朗夫人：哦，?親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！?史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！?布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”4、My?Wife?Will?Exchange?Them。
A?gentleman?walks?into?a?store?and?asked?for?a?pair?of?gloves.???″Cloth?or?leather﹖″?asked?the?salesperson.??″Makes?no?difference?″replied?customer.???″What?color﹖″?asked?the?clerk.??″Any″?he?responded.? ″Size﹖″?″Give?me?whatever?you?prefer″?the?gentleman?said?slightly?exasperated.?″My?wife?will?be?back?tomorrow?to?exchange?them.″? 反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。
?“您是要布的還是皮的？”售貨員問。?“沒什么區別。”
這位顧客回答。?“那您要什么顏色的呢？”售貨員又問。
“什么顏色都成。”他回答。
?“號碼呢？”?“您就隨便給我拿一副吧，”這位顧客有點不耐煩了，“反正我太太明天都會來換的。”?5、A??physics?Examination,Once?in?a?physics?examination，?Nick?finished?the?first?question?very?soon，?while?his?classmates?were?thinking?it?hard.??The?question?was：?When?it?thunders?why?do?we?see?the?lighting?first，?then?hear?the?thunder?rolls？??? Nick's?answer：?Because??our?eyes?are?before?ears.??? 一次物理考試。
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
??6、Jim's?History?Examination。Uncle：?How?did?Jim?do?in?his?history?examination?Mother：?Oh，?not?at?all?well，?but?there，?it?wasn't?his?fault.?They?asked?him??things?that?happened?before?the?poor?boy?was?born.??? 吉姆的歷史考試。
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎么樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。
嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。?7、he?is?really?somebody。
--?My?uncle?has?1000?men?under?him.?--?He?is?really?somebody.?What?does?he?do？--?A?maintenance?man?in?a?cemetery.??? 他真是一個大人物。--?我叔叔下面有1000個人。
--?他真是一個大人物。干什么的？--?墓地守墓人。
擴展資料：笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。
其趣味有高下之分。人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，后來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。
但還有很多笑話，是流傳于民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。
隨著近十年網絡和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網絡笑話，網絡流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。參考資料：搜狗百科：笑話。
6.英語小笑話、故事,帶翻譯,簡短,一分鐘左右能說完的
One or Two
Customer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish.
Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two.
顧客：服務員，我盤子里怎么只有一塊肉？
服務員：先生，請稍候，我去把它切成兩塊。
Father and Son
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
兒子：爸爸，聽說在非洲的一些地方男人在結婚前根本不認識他的妻子。
父親：孩子，實際上所有的國家都是這樣的。
It depends
Traveler: Can I catch the three o'clock train to Toronto?
Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago.
旅行者：我還能趕上3點鐘那班到多倫多的火車嗎？
售票員：那得看你跑得有多快。火車15分鐘前開出。
To be on the Safe Side
In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer（門廳，大廳） . A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:
Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?
Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all.
Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.
在一家電影院里，一名觀眾在演出期間站了起來，沿著他那排位子走到休息室去了。幾分鐘后，他回到那排位子并問坐在首位的那位男士道：
對不起，請問我剛才出去的時候是踩著你的腳嗎？
是的，不過沒什么關系，一點也不疼。
噢，不，我不是這個意思。我只是想確認一下這是不是我的那排位子。
7.簡短的英語小笑話
塞翁失馬 焉知非福 （Blessing or Bane）
Once upon a time, there was a man named Saiweng. He lived near China's northern borders. His
horse went into the land of northern people. His neighbors all felt sorry for him. "Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a blessing," said Saiweng.
After a few months, his horse came back with another fine horse from the north. Everyone congratulated him.
"Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a bad luck," said Saiweng.
Before long, his son became fond of riding. One day he fell from a horse and broke his leg. Again, his neighbors all felt sorry for him.
"Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a blessing," said Saiweng.
One year later, the northern people started a war along the border. All the strong young men took up arms and fought against the invaders. Most of them died. But Saiweng's son did not join in the fighting because he was lame so both of them survived.
很久以前，有個人叫塞翁。他住在北部邊疆。塞翁養的馬跑進了北邊民族的地盤。他的鄰居們都為他感到難過。
“也許這會是件好事呢！”塞翁說。
幾個月后，塞翁的馬自己跑回了家，還帶了一匹好馬回來。人們都去向他道賀。
塞翁卻說：“也許這不是什么好事呢！”
沒多久，塞翁的兒子就喜歡上了騎馬，一天他從馬上掉了下來，摔斷了腿。鄰居們都替塞翁難過。
“也許這會是件好事呢！”塞翁卻說。
一年后，北方的民族大舉入侵，年青人都被征集參軍去打仗。死了很多人。塞翁的兒子卻因為摔斷了腿不能去當兵，從而保住了性命。
8.求英語簡短小笑話 5句 10個
1. Mike:Mum,I want to watch *:There is no electricity *:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on. 邁克：媽媽，我想看電視。
媽媽：今晚停電了。邁克：那我們就點著蠟燭看吧。
* Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 魚網 "你能告訴我魚網是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。 "把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。
" 小女孩回答道。3. Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。
“再給你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個賣糖果的。”
4. I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue！ " 我剛咬破自己的舌頭 “我們有毒嗎？”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。 “是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么？” “因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
5. A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet？" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。
她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。
她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？”6. He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一個大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。 -- 他真是一個大人物。
干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 7. Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它們是從美國直接帶來的 一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。
在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。 這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。
這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。” * little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不識字 布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
9. Bring me the winner —- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 給我那個打贏的吧 -- 服務員， 這個龍蝦只有一只爪。 -- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。 10. Advice for "Kid" A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid." 忠告“年輕者” 這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。
如果你只有65歲的話， 千萬別進退休社區。因為那里人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。
每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的干吧。”。